*    If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

*    Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

 *  Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than

going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

 *    Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 *    If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve

never tried before.

 *    My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

*    Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is


*    It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

*    For every action, there is an equal and opposite government


 *    If you look like your passport picture, you probably need

the trip.

 *    Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

*    A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so


*    Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

*    Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

 *    No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

 *    A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

*  Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of

the waist change places.

*    Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

*    Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three

weeks before you need it.

*    There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

*    Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize

a mistake when you make it again.

*    By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

*    Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

*    Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the

real world.

*    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall

never cease to be amused.