My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail from Capital ONE.

 CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

 Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

 A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

 I saw a Mormon today who had only one wife.

 If the bank returns your cheque marked “Insufficient Funds,” you need to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

 McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

 Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

 Parents in Toronto and Vancouver have fired their nannies and are learning their children’s names.

 My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her!

 A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

 A picture is now only worth 200 words.

 When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

 The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

  And, finally…


·          I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, my CPP, my retirement savings etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!